New years resolutions

The other day my wife found a New Years resolution I typed out. It stated:

"I Steve hereby make the following resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Defeat procrastination
3. To rid the house of all clutter
4. To spend more quality time with family

I also stated:

The purpose of these resolutions are to improve my life and by doing so improve the lives of those around me. These resolutions that WILL be kept all year when executed will help my overall being. This will create less stress and tension making me feel better about myself, and be more enjoyable to be around. These will also improve my health. I would like to see my kids graduate college or make something of their lives. The end result (hopefully) will be a dramatic transformation of the positive kind. And maybe this time next year most people that know me will not recognize me."

When did I type this gung ho piece of work? For the year 2006. I am heavily into the laws of attraction and felt that if I typed it it would come true or at least help. But notice the word "hopefully" in parentheses. This showed I had doubt. That doubt plagues me to this day. Since 2006 I have probably gained 50 pounds. The house is still cluttered. Oh and my procrastination is still an enemy. Not as bad but is still there. I did improve with the spending time with family part.

Yesterday was not a good day in my head. I beat myself up because I knew that once my wife said she found this document she must think "What a loser!" But she didn't. She gave me words of encouragement. I know she probably has a "I believe it when I see it." approach with me because I tend to get fired up but then lose my momentum. Ten years ago she dropped many pounds and has managed to keep it off despite stress of being a trucker's wife and having 2 kids. We used to do Weight Watchers together and I lost 20 pounds doing that. But because of some inner demon, some lack of confidence I gained it back and then some.

In short I hate what I have become. I hate myself for the failure I am. A really good heavy metal band has some lyrics that said, "Time to progress, time for a change, Forget the past, for now I am shedding skin." That band is mine. Those lyrics are mine. Time for me to practice what I preach.........But how?